Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Moment of Realization

I'm not the most expressive person when it comes to showing emotions verbally. I just can't do it for some reason. Love?? Are you kidding? I choke on the "L" part alone. It sucks for those who are in a relationship with me because they are practically suffocating themselves when they say "I love you". The three words that I dread the most.

So why am I like this you may ask? Well, I guess it's because I was brought up in a "guy's world" so to speak. Emotion is like a downplay for them. If you show emotion, then you're weak. If you so much as think about weakness, then you're a waste of time. It's harsh, yes, but the neighborhood I lived in required a little toughness. So, here I am today writing down that I can't express emotions or else I feel like a sap. It's disgusting to some people but normal for me. I mean, I even go as far as to reject hugs from family members (of course, I'm only playing around). And when I do hand out hugs, the people I give them too are extremely shocked and the first thing they ask me is "what's wrong with you? Are you on drugs?" lol

What's my point? Well, I was riding on the bus today on my way to school and an elderly woman came aboard. She had to use the lifter that they use for the handicap because she couldn't walk properly. She needed the aid of a walker. Well, when she was aboard the bus and seated comfortably, she waved to someone outside. And she smiled. It was such a huge smile. It reached her eyes, which twinkled. I followed her line of vision and saw an equally elderly man waving back at her. And the look in his eyes matched that of hers. They were happy but most importantly, they were in love. And they weren't afraid to show it.

I was deeply touched by this because I saw for the first time that love is actually timeless. And though they didn't verbally express there love, it was still visible on their faces. So for me to see that and to see that they were comfortable with it, I felt that I could be comfortable with it too. I can learn to be a bit more emotionally expressive (more so verbally) and that it is perfectly okay to have a moment of vulnerability here and there. Not everyone is as tough as they appear to be (me included).

So from this day forward, I'm vowing to be more verbally expressive. Starting with a simple "I miss you, dad" or 'I miss you, mom" here and there. Hopefully, I will be able to get pass the "L" in love and actually flow through the whole word without a problem.

Hopefully... :)